Monday, November 9, 2009


The fire trucks wail at the crack of dawn followed by the noisy garbage trucks. They sound as if they are extracting the enormous garbage bins from within the depths of the earth and then re-planting them. I jump out of bed to shut the open sliver of our bedroom window to keep my husband from waking up. He has to go to work soon and I am envious. I lay there contemplating how to busy myself for the next hour of this Monday. Reluctantly, I fall back asleep for a couple more hours. I remember what it was like walking to the subway on my way to work. School children walking to school with parents, dragging their heavy backpacks behind them. Businessmen storming out of the elevator with their briefcases held high, briefly glancing at the doorman. Construction workers cracking jokes about passersby, as if we didn't notice. But this day is a new day, and a different one. I have many options in store for me- cook/clean our quaint one bedroom apartment, meet with my personal trainer at the gym, have lunch with a close girlfriend, and the list goes on….

It might sound fun and relaxing but the truth is, it repeats itself. How many sales can I go to? How many coffee shops can I revisit in a 20 block radius? How many in-depth life changing discussions can I have if nothing is really "happening" to me? And, most importantly, who am I now that I am no longer defined by my job. That question is what puzzles me and I am determined to answer it. I am a wife, a sister, a daughter a friend. But, aside from how I interact with others, who am I and what do I bring to this world. Just months ago I knew who I was and where I was going. But as the days go by slowly and the nights faster, the seasons have changed and weeks have become months. I'm nearing a time of judgment. I need to conclude this carefree time of vacations and self-indulgence. But it is not entirely up to me.

I dream of going back to work, getting up in the morning with a purpose, dressing well and marching off to work like the rest of the millions walking the sidewalks of Manhattan. Winter is just around the corner and I dread being unemployed in the cold. Every step outside is calculated and if I have no reason to go out, no extremely good reason, well then I won't. These four walls will become my life and they will define who I am. And that is not me. So I write, read, explore and research. I talk, get out and don't give up. I find exciting things to do and embark on new challenges. But I feel like my motivation is waning and I'm not sure what to do next. Soon it will be a year that I've been home and then I will have even more questions to answer, trying to justify why I haven't found a job yet. I don't blame myself though others do. ”There must be something wrong with her if she hasn't been working for so long", they whisper. But there isn't, there really isn't. I assure you I am a pure victim of the economy and it has become increasingly hard to overcome it. Things should have been better by now but they aren't and that is a fact. I hope, truly hope that waiting and being persistent will pay off and that God will answer my prayers for a new opportunity.

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