Thursday, February 4, 2010


The feeling is familiar, yet refreshing. First time I felt this way was towards the end of my service, last time was before I moved here and now there is this time. Ten days left before I enter the silver cage, I call it silver since our cages are no longer allowed to be gold. I’ve made a list, crossed most things off but I still have a few loose ends to seal. People to see, Broadway shows to experience, restaurants to dine in and of course shopping!!! I think that’s the best part of the list, the greatest part of the countdown. I’ve waited so long for this and how better to reward myself then with material things? What will it be this time? Prada? Gucci? or maybe the understated Mr. Marc Jacobs. An ounce of guilt pinches my side every time I think of the price tags or mull over the need for these material things. This is how I’ve always been rewarded, how I’ve always marked a special occasion or accomplishment. So why should this time be different? Repeating that thought in my head helps wipe out that ounce of guilt, making room for the retail therapy to kick in.

Every moment of freedom is relished, even the hours spent cleaning my apartment, walking the streets of New York, or zapping between trashy realities. I wonder what my new life will be like. What will the people be like? How should I act in order to avoid making crucial mistakes? How can I protect myself from getting hurt and trampled on? These reflections are enough to keep me up at night, but unfortunately I don’t yet have the answers. This makes the countdown less enjoyable, since there is a cloud of uncertainty above my head. I stress when I think of my old job and pray my new one is entirely different.

I make some new additions to my list, knowing I won’t be able to get them all done. I figure I will still have time; my life will not be over. Of course it will, I conclude, smirking to myself. On to the new beginning and until the next countdown…